[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
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Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.