There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday