Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
You Might Also Like
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
quarantine day 3
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!