When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
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one last job
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.