I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.