She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
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me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar