Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
time for some seasonal decor
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Anyone want a chair?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
A couple who are silly together stay together.