My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
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Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…