One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
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Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.