hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
That eye roll….
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker