Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A leaf blower, but for people.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…