My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly