My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
This is why I hate group projects
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My brain is a bad influence on me
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.