Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.