But that’s none of my business
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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*