mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target