criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
This could be us but you eatin’
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.