*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
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Chemical wingman
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels