I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos