Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?