This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You Might Also Like
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.