Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.