Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?