Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.