Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison