son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
You Might Also Like
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours