When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Close call…
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one