Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
relationship goals
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.