After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
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shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.