I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
oh my gosh!!
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I put the hot in psychotic.