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Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…