Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.