{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
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my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Guys, I found it.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
What the hell happened here.
grotesque if literal: baby food
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
some Old Testament wisdom
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby