tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
is this a threat
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Why do meteors always land in craters?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew