How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.