NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women