sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
fired
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.