Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”