when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?