BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
You Might Also Like
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.