i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
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“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Try and stop me.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you