“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.