[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
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me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.