[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.