Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg