[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You Might Also Like
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Natural selection at its finest
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.