If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no