Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You Might Also Like
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Nice try, poison.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once