Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
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‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.