In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.